How Long Could You Survive Chained to a Bunk Bed With a Velociraptor?

By: Marie Hullett

How Long Could You Survive Chained to a Bunk Bed With a Velociraptor?
Image: benedek / Yuriy Priymak / jamesbenet / RapidEye / filo / E+ / Stocktrek Images / DigitalVision Vectors / Getty Images

About This Quiz

Nicknamed the "speedy thief," the velociraptor roamed the planet approximately 70 to 85 million years ago. You may have seen the terrifying velociraptor depicted wreaking havoc in "Jurassic Park," however, that portrayal is far from accurate. Many people don't know that the real thing wasn't scaly, but feathered. It wasn't seven feet tall, but closer to three. It did have wings, but it couldn't fly. 

Still, it could run up to 40 miles per hour, disembowel creatures with its freakish hind claws, and, as a cold-blooded carnivore, loved to gobble up whatever flesh it could sink its fangs into. Yeah, so, still pretty scary. But since it's roughly the size of a big bird, do you think you could maybe stand a chance being chained to a bunk bed with one? 

There's only one way to find out! When you take the following quiz, you'll be able to determine exactly how long you'd last in a strange situation with this hair-raising prehistoric creature. That way, you'd be able to prepare in case the predicament arises in the real world. Hey, you never know what life might bring, right? They brought the dinosaurs back to life in "Jurassic Park," and that was years ago, so ... 

Question 1 OK, so your chains are on, and the velociraptor has begun to bare its teeth and wave its weird, short arms around. What do you do first?
Try to pin its limbs down with your legs while you choke it.
Kick it in the groin repeatedly.
Curl up in the fetal position and cry.
Try to make friends with it.

Advertisement

Question 2 Let's say that you can choose which level of the bunk to be chained to. What would you pick?
The bottom
The top
Under the bed
Making decisions is too hard! I would just accept whatever comes.

Advertisement

Question 3 Whether you played basketball, did gymnastics, or have never played a sport, how's your vertical leap?
Excellent. I can jump higher than a couple feet.
I'm a good jumper: I'm in the 28" to 32" jump range.
I'm pretty alright: I can jump maybe from 24" to 28" inches.
I don't know! Am I supposed to jump, like, for fun or something? Maybe a few inches ...

Advertisement

Question 4 Some people can stomach the sight of blood, others feel like passing out at the faintest drop of it. Where do you stand?
Let's just say that I could perform open-heart surgery without flinching.
Blood doesn't bother me.
I get a little queasy.
I pass out at the sight of blood.

Advertisement

Question 5 Uh oh, the velociraptor is lunging right toward you. How do you respond?
Protect my face with my arms as I kick it with all my might.
Attempt to crush its limbs with my knees as I punch it in the head.
Try to lasso my chain around its neck.
Scream and try to scratch it. I have sharp nails, you know.

Advertisement

Question 6 Have you ever had to take on a dangerous wild animal before, like a bear, cougar or rabid dog?
Many times. When you live where I do, you never know what might happen!
A few times.
Once.
No way. I'm even afraid of domesticated dogs, for good reason!

Advertisement

Question 7 Do you know how to properly perform a sleeper choke hold?
Of course.
Yes.
I've never had to do it, but maybe.
No.

Advertisement

Yes, I'm a black belt in karate or an equivalent rank in Muay Thai, Taekwondo, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, judo, boxing, or similar.
Quite a bit, yeah.
A little.
No. Wait, does playing "Mortal Kombat" count?

Advertisement

Question 9 In general, how do you respond to stress?
I put the "fight" in "fight or flight."
Calmly and carefully.
I panic a bit, but when my adrenalin starts going, I can usually devise a pretty smart plan.
I choose flight. Every time.

Advertisement

Question 10 Oh no! Ouch. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the velociraptor just ripped off one of your arms. What do you do?
Scream as a distraction as I slam its head repeatedly against the wall.
Try to take off one of its arms with my chain. Doesn't feel so good, does it, raptor?
SO rude. I'll grab my severed arm and beat it with it.
Cry, obviously. Wouldn't you?

Advertisement

Question 11 Surprise! You might be missing an arm, but you get to choose from one of the following things to assist you. Which will you pick?
A cell phone
A military-grade tactical vest
A giant rotisserie chicken
A copy of "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone"

Advertisement

Question 12 Luckily for you, you get to select a weapon. Which one of these will you choose?
A sword
A dagger
A club
A frying pan

Advertisement

Question 13 Though they may be fearsome, they are small: velociraptors stand only about as high as a large turkey, or about three feet tall. Still, when chained to the bed with one, you'll need all the size advantage you can get. So, how tall are you?
Over 6'3"
From 5'9" to 6'2"
From 5'5" to 5'8"
Under 5'5"

Advertisement

Question 14 In general, what's your attitude toward physical violence?
A little violence never hurt anyone! Oh, wait. Yes it has — that's the entire point.
Sometimes it's necessary, plain and simple.
I only believe in fighting as self-defense.
I never want to even hurt a fly.

Advertisement

Question 15 The sickle-shaped claws on each hind foot of the velociraptor are believed to have been used to disembowel prey. Sounds nice, right?
Yes! Maybe I should cut off the hind feet first, and then use its own claws against it.
Hmm. It's not nice, but this information could come in handy, thanks.
I mean, maybe that's nice for the velociraptor, but, otherwise ...
Why are you telling me this? I seriously do not want to know!

Advertisement

Question 16 Don't forget that there are pillows, sheets and a comforter on the bed. Does this mean anything to you?
Yes! I can rip up the sheet and create a rope strong enough to restrain the raptor.
I might try to suffocate it under the comforter.
I was thinking about that. I wonder if I could hinder its vision by putting a pillowcase over its head.
I mean, I guess it sounds like a cozy place to curl up and cry.

Advertisement

Yeah, I'm a professional.
I wrestled in high school.
Only with my siblings.
No way, mostly because I would lose. I HATE to lose.

Advertisement

Question 18 How skilled are you in the art of rope knots?
I can do them all. Double overhand, fisherman's eye, teamsters knot, square knot, you name it.
I'm pretty skilled.
I can do a few basic ones.
I can tie my shoes. That's it.

Advertisement

Question 19 Oh no, the velociraptor attacked your thigh pretty severely. The blood keeps gushing out. What do you do?
Apply direct pressure with some of the sheet. Elevate the leg if possible. If it doesn't stop, apply a tourniquet.
Apply pressure and wrap it with the sheet.
Press down on it. Hard.
Probably faint.

Advertisement

Question 20 The velociraptor is obviously strong and scary, but it did have one area of weakness. Do you know the velociraptor's weakest spot compared to many other predators?
The jaw
The claws
Its tail
Its hind feet

Advertisement

Question 21 It turns out that the velociraptor isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Evolutionary biomechanist Dr. John Hutchinson estimates that they're "no smarter than a pretty dumb bird like an Emu or something like that." So, even if you can't out-claw it, do you think you can outsmart it?
Yes. I have more than a few tricks up my sleeve.
Sure. Thanks for the tip.
I'd like to think I'm smarter than a dumb bird, yeah.
Yeah, a lot of monstrous people are really dumb, too. That doesn't make them less scary!

Advertisement

Question 22 You're exhausted, but you have to keep fighting. Which tactic will you employ now?
Gouge its eyes out.
Choke it some more; it seems to be working.
Bat it with a pillow. It's all the strength I have left.
I'll keep crying to see if it will take pity on me finally.

Advertisement

Question 23 Never mind what "Jurassic Park" wants you to think, is the velociraptor even that scary?
No, I mean, it's the size of a turkey and dumb as a rock. It has sharp claws but it could fill up eating half my arm. I got this.
It's...medium scary.
Uh, I don't know if you're just trying to seem tough or something, but it's pretty scary, dude.
Um, YES! Can't you see I'm missing an arm?

Advertisement

Question 24 OK, so you have the option to add another chained human to the bunk bed to support you. However, if you choose to do so, there will also be ANOTHER chained velociraptor. What do you think?
Bring it on.
OK, we might have better luck with two of us.
Which human? Can I know a little about them? If it's someone weaker than me, it might be a bad idea ...
No. So both of us can die? NO MORE VELOCIRAPTORS, OK?

Advertisement

Question 25 The average velociraptor weighs just 15 to 33 pounds. With that in mind, your physical strength may have a major impact in this struggle. So, how much can you deadlift?
About 400 pounds or more.
In the 250-400 range.
From 100 to 250 pounds.
Um, what? I have no idea. I can hardly lift my backpack.

Advertisement

Question 26 Great news! You can phone a friend now, if you will, and enlist a modern-day animal for a little help. Which one of these creatures will you pick?
A grizzly bear
A saltwater crocodile
A tiger
My cat. I miss my cat.

Advertisement

Question 27 Wow, for someone who's chained to a bunk bed with a loathsome beast, you're pretty lucky. You also get to pick a superpower to employ. Which one will you choose?
Superhuman strength
Flight
Invisibility
I've always wanted to be psychic.

Advertisement

Question 28 Back to assessing your physical fitness. Do you hit the gym often?
I never skip a day.
Yeah, quite a few times per week.
No, but I exercise in other ways.
I do not hit any gym, ever.

Advertisement

Question 29 Somehow, you didn't notice a large mirror on the wall just within reach until now. What do you do with it?
Bash it over the velociraptor's head, obviously.
Try to confuse it by placing it in front of me like a shield.
Really? I swear it wasn't there before ...
Check my reflection. Just as expected: remarkably perfect, all things considered!

Advertisement

Question 30 This is weird, but you suddenly have the option to swap out your velociraptor with a different dinosaur. Which one will you choose?
The Dimorphodon
The Parasaurolophus
I'll stick with what I have, thanks. We already have history, after all.
The Spinosaurus

Advertisement

You Got: