How Italian Are You?

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
4 min
How Italian Are You?
Image: Shutterstock

About This Quiz

Italy is one of the most beautiful countries in the world. It has some of the best cuisines, from Neapolitan to Tuscan to Venetian to Milanese. It enjoys the finest music, with great operas played in gorgeous halls. It has the most beautiful castles, churches, and marketplaces, from the canals of Venice to the stunning facade of the Vatican to the sculptures of Michaelangelo.

Its artists are among the most talented in history, including Titian, Veronese, Tiepolo, and Da Vinci. Its farmland is fertile and boasts a terrific growing season, care of the glorious Italian climate, which means you can grow pretty much anything you want, any time you want, from fresh fruit and veg to healthy dairy products to some of the best wines in the world. From Alpine mountains to golden beaches to lovely little villages, there's a place to suit any lifestyle. Indeed, it's such a paradise that it's a miracle that anyone with the right to live there doesn't immediately up sticks and head there.

The downside of Italy is that it remains shockingly corrupt for a developed country, with rampant bribery, governments that seem to collapse on a dime, and social attitudes popping up in certain areas such as women at work that have led to a stagnant economy, a birthrate that is below replacement, and high youth unemployment. 

Of course, a place with problems like that can clearly use you - to bring your tourist dollars at the least, and perhaps your business savvy and your ideas to help right the economic ship, all the while enjoying its many advantages. Let's see if you are Italian enough to fit in!

Do you like carbohydrates?
They are life.
They're great.
They're whatever.
They're bad.

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Do you speak Italian?
Si!
Yes
No
Er... oui?

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You're making dinner. What oil are you using?
Olive
Sunflower
Vegetable
Sesame

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What temperature should the summer be?
80F
85F
90F
50F

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Do you ski?
Yes, casually
Yes, quite seriously
No
Yes, very seriously

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What sort of mountain is the best mountain?
Alpine and adorable
Not too big, and pretty safe
Enormous and dangerous
Remote and rocky

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How old is the ideal town?
5,000 years old
2,000 years old
1,000 years old
100 years old or less

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Do you mind a little light bribery if it helps grease the wheels of business?
I love it! Gimme bribes please!
Would a small donation get me out of answering that one?
I do not like that at all
That's an appalling idea! Shame!

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Do you mind having one of the most embarrassing politicians in the world running your country?
I love it!
I console myself that others have worse.
I do not like it.
I would only be able to live with it if the world knew most of us were just as embarrassed as them.

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Do you have a melodious voice?
Naturally
I think so.
Not really
No, I'm very nasal.

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Does your name end in a vowel?
Yeah
Yes
Nope
Yes, but it's Irish.

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Opera: good music or best music?
Best music!
Good music!
Boring music
Bad music

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Which artist would you like to paint your ceilings?
Michelangelo
Tiepolo
Damien Hirst
Stubbs

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What sort of church floats your boat?
A big one with lots of color and saint statues
An ancient and little one squished into a secret alley, with a special mural
A Puritan one
I do not like church, ugh.

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How do you feel about canals?
They are truly the roads of the sea.
They are cool.
They are slow and annoying.
You say canal, I hear frizzy hair.

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Imagine a culture that lets kids be literally everywhere. How do you feel?
Welcome, kids!
Hey kids, now pipe down
Ugh, kids
I don't mind them in their place, but seriously, everywhere?

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Can you drive on very poorly-maintained, wiggly roads with not much in the way of a crash barrier?
It's no fun any other way.
I can handle it fine.
Sounds awful.
I would insist on local authorities fixing it.

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Which country do you not like?
France
Greece
I like all countries.
Cyprus

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How long should the growing season be?
All year
Most of the year
Very short
I do not know what that is.

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What's the deal with wine?
It's glorious.
It's fine.
It's good for you but it tastes bad.
French wine is great, all other wine is bad.

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If you could only have one Italian cheese, what would it be?
Parmigiano-Reggiano
Asiago
Mozzarella
I don't eat dairy.

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Is there any dish that cannot be improved by sprinkling a little Parmesan on it?
There is no situation this would not help, whether a dish or simply a moment of boredom that might be improved by some whimsy.
No
Yes, many
Don't do that, that would ruin it!

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Do you like the idea of studying 5,000 years of history?
I love it!
I like it.
I do not like it.
I do not believe it is possible.

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How do you feel about those Romans?
They were super cool.
They were very interesting.
They make good TV show topics, I guess.
They were one of history's villains.

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Do you like the idea of a somewhat traditional culture?
I love it!
I like it.
I find it suffocating.
I think it is quaint at best.

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How do you feel about EU membership?
Great idea!
Good idea!
Tolerable idea
What a silly idea!

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Could you start your own business if the opportunities just weren't there?
Goodness, I don't know.
I could do that, sure.
I already did that.
I would not stay somewhere like that long enough to find out.

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How do you gesture when you talk?
Wildly
In a way that punctuates what I am saying.
Elegantly
I stay very still so people have to listen to my words.

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What's the best stone to build with?
Porphyry
Marble
Brick
Stone is a bad idea, buildings should be steel and glass

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What's the best street?
A steep cobbled one
A narrow winding one in a valley
A straight one
A highway

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You Got: