Build Your Football Dream Team and We'll Guess How Old You Are

By: Zoe Samuel

Build Your Football Dream Team and We'll Guess How Old You Are
Image: Wiki Commons by Arodgut

About This Quiz

They don’t call football “The Beautiful Game” for no reason. It’s a game that requires a lot more than just a good eye and a great kick, even if you’re just a player. You have to understand the strategy on the pitch, and how to adapt to different types of opponents. You have to know how to stay in shape and when an injury means you need to do the smart thing and take a break.

All of this is a mere fraction of the things that are on a manager’s mind on any given day. Recruiting a team means thinking not just months but years ahead, and planning intelligently around the types of players available and the funds coming in. It means finessing the concerns of wealthy owners who probably just want to win, and money men who really only care about who can draw a crowd or flog a few T-shirts. It’s a lot more complex than just going out there and firing repeatedly at the goal. 

How you approach this process is thus a function of your experience and knowledge and tells us a lot about you—including your age! Walk us through how you’d build your dream team, and who you’d include, and we’ll guess your age with scary precision!

What is the most important quality in a manager?
Solid Twitter game
The ability to manage divas
A strategy to build the team over time
A manly aura

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Which cup should your captain have previously won?
FA Cup
European Cup
UEFA Cup
World Cup

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From which nation will a surprisingly large number of your players hail?
Italy
Nigeria
Germany
Argentina

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What city will you build your team in?
Newcastle
Bristol
Aberdeen
Swansea

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Who will be your number one guy for corners?
Moussa Sissoko
David Beckham
Zinedine Zidane
Bobby Charlton

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Which position will you prioritize having the deepest possible bench?
I'll vary it.
Strikers
Midfielders
Defenders

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Which goalie will you pick?
David de Gea
David James
Peter Schmeichel
Gordon Banks

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Which footballer who is now a "Match of the Day" talking head will you be sure to include?
Alan Shearer
Ian Wright
Gary Lineker
Trevor Trooking

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Which member of the 1966 team will you be sure to grab?
Ian Callaghan
Ron Flowers
Bobby Moore
All of them

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If you could get everyone from a single year of Manchester United's Premier League wins, which year would you pick?
2009
2006
1999
1998

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Who will be the nicest bloke on the team?
Lioenel Messi
Gary Lineker
Paul Gascoigne, because I don't do nice.
Eric Cantona, because I actively despise being nice!

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Which player will cause trouble but be worth it anyway?
Cristiano Ronaldo
Frank Lampard
Wayne Rooney
Diego Maradona

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Who will you hire just to force the commentators to stumble repeatedly over their name?
Sotirios Papagiannopoulos
Giovanni van Bronckhorst
Kévin Théophile-Catherine
Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink

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Who will be your leading striker?
Lionel Messi
Ronaldinho
Pelé
Alfredo Di Stéfano

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Which player with a phenomenal volley will you include?
Paul Pogba
Robin van Persie
David Silva
Steven Gerrard

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When it's time to throw the ball in, who will do the throw?
Luka Modrić
Kevin De Bruyne
N'Golo Kanté
Neyme

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Which player will you refuse to overpay for?
Kylian Mbappé
Ter Stegen
Luis Suárez
Neymar

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There's always one player on a team whose life off the pitch is even more glamorous than on, thanks to a remarkably awesome wife! Who will yours be?
Thomas Vermaelen
David Beckham
Gerard Piqué
Sergio Ramos

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Which player will you steal from a fancy Spanish or Italian team?
Fernando Torres
Iker Casillas
Andrés Iniesta
Raúl

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How much of a factor will a player's social media presence be in choosing them?
Very important
A factor, but not a big one
Not important
I don't understand why this would even come up.

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For what offense will you sadly have to fire your best player?
Being racist online
Being terrible to his wife
Drunken driving
I will stand by him no matter what!

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How will you make sure you don't accidentally pick up any divas?
I will check with their social team whether they are really nice people.
I will ask their assistant.
I will see how they treat waiters.
I can handle a diva.

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Who will be your key defender?
Virgil van Dijk
Giorgio Chiellini
Diego Godín
Raphaël Varane

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From where will you get your best midfielder?
Juventus
Inter Milan
Manchester City
Bayern Munich

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How much energy will you put into a farm system, compared to buying in players?
Most of it, as this saves money
I'd rather buy them after someone else brings them up.
I will balance both.
I don't know how to do a farm system, though I would like to.

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Will you pay any attention to what the pundits are saying?
Yes—these days their thoughts matter!
Somewhat, if they are smart.
Only if it might affect my job
Nope. I don't own a TV.

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What song will you encourage your fans to sing?
"We're On The Ball"
"Three Lions"
"Vindaloo!"
"Always Look On The Bright Side"

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A Russian oligarch wants to buy the team! His money seems to come from very dodgy sources. How will you put a stop to it?
I won't! Give me those rubles!
I will find an American to outbid him.
I will rally the fans to buy the club together.
I don't think you can stop these things.

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Which footballer who later became an actor will you hire?
David Beckham
Gareth Bale
Vinnie Jones
Stan Collymore

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Which footballer-turned-manager will inspire your management style?
Steven Gerrard
Zinedine Zidane
Pep Guardiola
Johan Cruyff

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You Got: